I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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