I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
