NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
