CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
