Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
