I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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