I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
