It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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