I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
