I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
