I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
