My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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