so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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