True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
