What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
