hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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