We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish you could order shots online.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
