Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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