Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
