there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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