Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
