I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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