On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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