Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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