i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
