You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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