Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
