not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
