Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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