I just threw up on my dentist
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
