That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
