I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
