i permit you to call me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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