I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All the doctor said was why
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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