We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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