Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
