Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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