Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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