I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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