Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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