i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
