Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
