I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
