fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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