I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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