I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
