I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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