i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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