All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
