Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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