im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
