Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
