I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
