i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
