The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
