how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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