Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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