Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
