no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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