I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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