Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
