I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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