I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
